I wanted to start my blog by first helping you understand where i would like to begin.
So buckle down and hold tight.!
First of all, this past year (2010)
has been very eventful for me and i have endured so much [Physically], (Mentally), {Emotionally},[ &Spiritually].
Through all this I have learned alot of life lessons.(which I am greatful for)
I recently went home for the Holidays and as I was lounging around in my my parents living room. This is when my brain just started to go wild with thoughts, and memories. I started to feel really overwhelmed by all the memories that were popping into my head left and right. I always find these moments so heart wrenching because they’re not real anymore, merely memories yet they seem to be dug so deep inside of me, feels like they are just grasping at my very flesh.
This past summer was one of the craziest times of my 20 year old life. [seriously]
I would have to say that i have a theme song for the end of May all the way up August.
[Love the way you lie- Eminem ft. Rhianna]
I’ve learned (although it seems like the HARDEST thing to do at times.) to leave the past behind and to ALWAYS be thankful for what (i) you DO have.! I can’t feel sorry for myself now and wish i could of done it differently or that some of it hadn't even happened at all. But the past is the past and there is no use in trying to change it. I allow my self to only reminisce about the good memories because you can't live in the past and expect to be happy.!?
I feel that I have endured more than MOST....but thats just from my stand point.
My parents are Christians, and that's the way I grew up.
*Going to church *Sayin' my prayers *Knowing Jesus
Then one day I don't really know what happened....
I started to become :
*rebellious *daring *mischievous *conniving * and i also started to become addicted to :
-DRUGS && -ALCOHOL.
During this time I fell away from God. I did this somewhat unknowingly. I do know that most of it was outta GUILT . Knowing that I was not doing what was HONORABLE in HIs Eyes; But leaning totally on my own understanding.! This is where everything TOTALLY went wrong && MY WORLD seemed like it just all of a sudden went ALL WRONG.! && EVERYTHING i mean EVERYTHING.! Started to cave in on ME.! My Life as I knew it had TOTALLY CHANGED over a matter of months. What i went through i could have never imagined it would have ever happened to ME (?!)
(it was one of those things that i used to say "oh that would never happen to me." or " i would never let that happen to me.")
All i have to say is that It's way different when you are experiencing it FIRST HAND.!
What i went though MOST people never go through in a life time. My emotions were on the FRiTZ.!
I wanted out...
BUT i was Trapped.!
I wanted to tell somebody...
but i was kept silent.
I wanted HELP....
BUT i was Ashamed.!
Then one day....
The day i thought would be one of my last I...
ESCAPED.! [with my LIfe.!]
I had become DEPRESSED.PARANOID...Overwhelmingly filled with HATE, ANXIETY, and STRESS.!
There seemed to be no way outta my sorrow....
i had those kind athoughts that no one should every think of having.
Then i just continued on with my Addiction.
When FINALLY.!
One day, everything changed.!
PROVERBS 3:4-5
"Trust in the LORD with all heart; in all your ways acknowledge HIm and he will direct your paths."
I was overflowing with the emotions that i had been hiding deep within me. I was bursting at the seams and started to beocme reckless.! Reckless with my words, actions, thoughts...RECKLESS WITH LIFE.!
I was unable to hide my pain anymore; && i came to the point where I didn;t care anymore...i didn't care who i hurt (even myself)
&& My Loving Family interceded...Leaving Me with no choice but to recieve help. I was very unwilling at first; but now i realize how my whole persona changed when i was caught up in my addiction. I was everything i NEVER wanted to be. Acted in such a way that im surprised i was ever forgiven. After realizing this...I felt likei didn't even know who i was anymore. I thank GOD EVERYDAY for giving me such a loving, caring and wonderful Familia.! I know that if they didnt love me so much they wouldnt have done anything to get me back me on track. If my familia wasn't there for me who knows where i could've been...
(caught up in my addictions?!)
[dead?!]
I willingly turned my Life back over to GOD.!
LUKE 1:37
"For nothing is immpossible with GOD."
Its 2011 people and I'm stoked!
his year will be my year to shine.! My chance to show ya'LL that I am able to shine my brightest through all the rain.!
I have become a STRONGER young woman.! (=
I have gotten to the point in my life where I have allowed God to change my heart and work on everything within it that is not of Him. To allow me to become a better person.
I am now doing my best to keep my eyes straight ahead. && my feet on the straight and narrow path.
MY song of encouragement [Don't Let Up-Tanya Manibusan]
ALL i can say is my past experiences have made me who i strive to be TODAY (= i take life one step at a time. i dont live in the past but i use it as a lesson learned.! I have experienced that sometimes it takes something as HARD as hitting rock bottom to finally OPEN eyes. And Remember to be thankful EVERY SINGLE DAY! & GOD only allows us to be tempted no more than we can handle.
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